Monday, October 5, 2015

My Favorite After Action Report Involving Commie Raccoons

Raccoons have been documented by PBS as very wily critters:

I was cleaning out my cardboard boxes in a vain attempt to avoid dying in an avalanche of debris like my long lost Collyer cousins, from Maggie's Farm Sunday, September 6. 2009 post on "The Collyer Brothers"

My grandmother's maiden name was "Collier" spelled w/ an "i" and not a "y", but we assumed we were somehow related to the New York Collyers since everyone on my Dad's family were/are pack rats.

One of my old boxes contained an after action report from obvious Soviet moles cleverly disguised as rabid raccoons sent to destroy USAF space launch facilities.

Killer raccoon with his KGB handler:

"The People's Cube" 1/31/2014 post "New NSA Scandal !!" confirms that nefarious organizations are training raccoons for odious purposes:

Another KGB raccoon agent who allowed his penchant for tasty peanut butter to sideline his mission to take down the USA power grid:

A basic timeline delineated in military time, so 0720 HRS = 7:20 AM and 1200 HRS = 12:00 PM

RIS = Titan Space Launch Vehicle solid rocket motor [SRM] storage facility. CSD = contractor that manufactures solid rocket motors, described in Charles Chase 28 July 2010 AIAA article "Pioneers in Propulsion-A History of CSD, Pratt & Whitney's Solid Rocket Company"

Here's a tweet of how I imagine the poor suspect tried to make his get away:

Not surprisingly, the Fuzz was able to apprehend the fuzzy perp.

The timeline concludes (sorry PETA fans) with the death of of the poor rascally [possibly rabid] raccoon:

In case you're wondering, golly, what's the big deal about setting off some smoke bombs in a solid rocket motor facility, a fully stacked Titan SRM is nearly the length of half a football field:

The memo, which I find hilarious from beginning to end:

You might wonder whether there really is such a job as a base entomologist, and the answer would be, yes, there is, from the 25 JANUARY 2012 30TH SPACE WING INSTRUCTION 32-7001

"This interim change revises SWI 32-7001 by changing Chapter 23 “Apiary Hobbyists” so that bee keeping is no longer allowed on Vandenberg AFB. This change is being enacted to comply with federal law and per recommendations from AF entomologist/Pest Management subject matter expert advising against apiaries on AF property."
The memo concludes:

The whole report is highly entertaining, because, ultimately, all's well that ends well [except for the poor raccoon], but a couple pull quotes:

"It was unanimous at the meeting that the proper personnel were not involved in the decision making."
and, do NOT feed the wild animals!!!!!

"The guard did not admit to feeding the animal."

"The People's Cube" 1/26/2011 post "13 Bears, a Big Dog, a Raccoon, and a Pot-Bellied Pig Busted" cautions readers neither to feed or weed with wild animals otherwise you'll end up with a Rasta bear:

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